Infantium Enigmaticum

Babies are an absolute enigma. They cry and cry and you never know what's wrong with them. And they refuse to tell you. Some people say that a mother's ear keenly recognizes the cries of her own young. On one hand I think that's possibly bullshit...and on the other hand, she ought to--she has to listen to it often enough.

Maybe the kid just watched a romantic comedy, read a Nicholas Sparks book, or parted ways with a lover... Or maybe they have a steamy surprise for you in their diaper and you just aren't unwrapping it fast enough to suit them. There could be an alien living in their stomach and devouring their vital organs for all we know! And I'm pretty sure your HMO won't cover that.

Munchers

Babies gnaw on everything.

Your fingers, your furniture, your face...

They're like puppies that you're not allowed to swat with newspapers.

In my living room, this would quickly give a child tetanus or rubella or something from all of the thrift furniture the kid could sink his or her teeth into. In a more affluent American living room this would run up a hefty bill and a full punch-card from frequent trips to Pottery Barn.

Either way sounds dangerous and frustrating. Though at least Pottery Barn may give you a discount for all that loyalty. Or possibly a complimentary pillow sham...

Just not quite worth it.