Baby Blindness

Babies cause their parents to go blind. At least temporarily.

I mean, that must be the case for all of these parents to claim that their newly emerged spawn is the most adorable creature on the planet when the rest of us see a naked mole rat in a soggy diaper.
Maybe that's just me...? But you have to admit, just because it's small does not always mean it's cute. And it's kind of hard for me to hide my disappointed birthday present face sometimes...so I plan to never be that close to a freshly hatched human. It's best for everyone if I give it at least a few weeks to cute up before I visit. Thank you in advance for your understanding.

Infantium Enigmaticum

Babies are an absolute enigma. They cry and cry and you never know what's wrong with them. And they refuse to tell you. Some people say that a mother's ear keenly recognizes the cries of her own young. On one hand I think that's possibly bullshit...and on the other hand, she ought to--she has to listen to it often enough.

Maybe the kid just watched a romantic comedy, read a Nicholas Sparks book, or parted ways with a lover... Or maybe they have a steamy surprise for you in their diaper and you just aren't unwrapping it fast enough to suit them. There could be an alien living in their stomach and devouring their vital organs for all we know! And I'm pretty sure your HMO won't cover that.

Munchers

Babies gnaw on everything.

Your fingers, your furniture, your face...

They're like puppies that you're not allowed to swat with newspapers.

In my living room, this would quickly give a child tetanus or rubella or something from all of the thrift furniture the kid could sink his or her teeth into. In a more affluent American living room this would run up a hefty bill and a full punch-card from frequent trips to Pottery Barn.

Either way sounds dangerous and frustrating. Though at least Pottery Barn may give you a discount for all that loyalty. Or possibly a complimentary pillow sham...

Just not quite worth it.

Placenta.

Nuff said.

The Invasion of Your Dance Space

Quote from an applicable episode of Friends:

Parker (Alec Baldwin guest stars): Rachel, Rachel, look how you glow. May I? (placing his hands on her pregnant stomach)

Rachel: Uh, I think you already are...

Parker: Rachel, you have life growing inside you. Is there anything in this world more miraculous than, oh, a picture of a dog! Whose is this?


What is it about pregnancy that gives people the green light to touch strangers? To stand in the produce section at the grocery store and approach a poor shopper as though she were a ripening melon. You are not shopping for fruit salad ingredients. You're touching a human. With a brain and boundaries. If you have the urge to squeeze something, try the tomatoes.

Never forget what your kindergarten teacher told you, kids: "Keep your hands to yourself." Don't be afraid to sit on them if you have to.

Reason #1: The Impossibility of Strollers

The other day I was on the bus and there was a woman with her baby in a stroller that was sandwiched in the middle of the mayhem. I don't know how she got so far back on the bus, but when she got off everyone had to pile off the bus onto the cold street corner so she could fit through. I nearly sat on the bus driver's lap trying to make myself small so she could fit by. The bus driver saw the hold-up and asked me "She got a stroller back there?" I sighed, "Yeah" and the driver just rolled her eyes. The mother with the stroller didn't look too thrilled either.

See? Nobody wants a stroller on a bus.